Dichotomous Key to Science Department Faculty

1. A. Native to Maine. Tough, resilient, stubborn, able to tolerate harsh conditions. .............go to 2

B. Non-native invasives, individuals that left unsuitable habitats elsewhere to exploit resources locally. Not particularly tough. Require a variety of conditions.................................................................go to 3

2. A. Shows considerable wear on outer integument. Plumage on cranium white. A cantankerous creature with more than a few skeletons in his closet. Often seen burrowing in soil and compost. Can be approached quite closely .................................................................................Mr Lash

B. Shows less wear, plumage on terrifically-sized cranium* dark brown, closet contains mostly chemicals, seldom burrows, approach cautiously, unpredictable around humans, will bite if cornered. Can be repelled by germs..............................................................................Mr Robbins

3. A. Plumage on cranium long, becoming grey (perhaps all grey by the time you read this). Tall, not aggressive, can name most any rock tune in under three notes. Often seen running in small herds containing juveniles...............................................................................Mr Alexander

B. Appearence not as above, hair short, seldom running anywhere...................................go to 4

4. A. Queen caste, oversees idiotic dancing of the workers. Seldom seen foraging on early-blooming flowers. Stores away glassware in hive behind blackboard, will sting workers who try to pillage larvae ...........................................................................................Ms Ramsey

B. Worker caste, seen foraging in the early hours, dance language unperfected....................go to 5

5. A. Plumage completely encircalling head (appearance of fuzzy bowling ball). Shows complex fish-ensnarement behavior. Can often be seen ranting on and jesticulating wildly about a supposed dilemma ...................................................................................................Mr. Thurston

B. Plumage on the face regularly removed, fish-ensnarement behavior vestigial, rants usually not including wild jesticulations, crises less frequent..........................................................................go to 6

6. A. Uneccessarily tall, makes high-pitch whistling noises to direct juveniles to kick a ball. Migrates between watering hole, nesting ground, and hunting territory many times per day pushing cart. ...................................................................................................Mr Dreves

B. Normal height, no whistling sounds, migration frequency varies..................................go to 7

7A. Shows dolphin-like intelligence. Trace amounts of facial hair can be seen under high magnification. Stores insects possibly for food. Behavior highly erratic.......................Mr Lynch

B. Intelligence exceeding that of aquatic mammals. Facial hair not present. Behavior less erratic. Rare individual appearing only at dawn, Shows advanced cave-painting behavior including petroglyphs of different colors. ............................................................................................Mr Bridge

* The large cranium was once thought to be involved in courtship displays but experiments have not seen these ideas supported. In most trials females were indifferent to an artificially enlarged cranium but others were clearly repelled by it. Recent experiments support both a salt absorption function and a heat retentive function. Yet another hypothesis relates the large sluggish (and possibly magnetic) cranium to a compass that keeps the beast walking in a straight line but this also lacks experimental support.

Mr Lash

Mr Robbins

Mr Alexander

Ms Ramsey

Mr Thurston

Mr Dreves

Mr Lynch

Mr Bridge